Thursday, March 27, 2008

Burnout

There are two months left in the school year, and I just feel totally wiped out. When I told people about my plans for this year I was frustrated when most people's reaction was that it was ambitious (as if it were too ambitious). I still feel like this much of a workload is doable for me, but definitely not the healthiest for my body or soul.

I can't help feeling like if only I didn't have to have a second job to pay for tuition then I could dedicate as much time as I would like to to my college work and interning at the school. I know it's not anybodies fault, just the way of the world that certain experiences cost money. I know that I could be more effective if I had less on my plate.

I know no one is going to be there to say "I told you so". Mostly I am just learning my own boundaries. I do do so much, and I have to value everything I do do.

It is interesting, other people in my life here in Albany are experiencing the same burn out/breaking point as I am right now. We identify with the feeling that something has to give, or change, but there is no clear path to what that could be. I know that I have made it a goal of mine for next semester to set smaller goals, and only have one job, and a paying one at that. I have fears that if I go into student teaching directly in the spring that it will be a repeat of this year. Teaching for no pay, a part time job to pay for tuition, and coursework on top of that.

All that said, the biggest goal for me right now is to make the here and now work, until I feel more capable to make the larger shifts that I know need to happen. Yesterday, I was supposed to start a new unit in math, and I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to make it happen for my college work I need to complete. One thing I have learned from being in the Free School is that teaching works best if you want to do it, just like learning works best that way as well. And I just released the expectations of myself to perform in that way, and I have been so much more joyful at school. I know not all teachers have the freedom to postpone their lesson for the day, but I think I am learning about balancing stress, and accepting my shortcomings. Another way that I am learning to be happy with the present is to take my goals one step at a time. Also, to remember that the worst that could happen is not that bad, for example, not passing a semester. I am not worried about that happening, but if that is the worst that could happen I am in fine shape.

A big struggle for me lately is that my computer broke a month ago. It is finally back in action. Hooray!!! But seriously, doing distance education without a personal computer is not easy as pie. My roommates have gotten frustrated with me always asking to borrow their computer, I have learned the open times of the library and the amount of time I could write was severely cut down. Before my computer broke I was utilizing the in between times I had to write here an there, but without it I have fallen behind in my goals.

On a positive note, through studying at Goddard I have gained self confidence in finding and utilizing resources to better myself as a teacher. I haven't gotten to go extremely in depth in any one subject in education, but I know more what is out there now, I have experiences in many different approaches and I know I can find what I need easily. I have a mental list of all the books and resources I would like to explore further when I have more time and mental space.